Vetting is a word you may have heard in your exploration into BDSM. It is a beginners tool. It is a veterans tool. It is a reestablishing tool. Vetting will help you see if you align with a prospective person or persons. It is vital in BDSM as you will be engaging in some pretty deep and trust contingent activities! Let' take a look at what vetting is and what it means for you!
What Is Vetting
Vetting in BDSM is the process of finding out about a person enough to clear them to engage in BDSM activities with you. Vetting is a two way process. Many times it is seen as a way for a Dominant to decide if they want to take on a submissive, but in the same way a Dominant wants to find out if the relationship will be a good match, a submissive should also be looking into whether or not a Dominant is a match for them as well. Vetting will give you a better idea as to where the person stands on topics and situations that are important to you. What you are looking for will be different than what someone else is looking for, so there is no specific set of questions you will ask outside of some basic things which might be the same across the board, such as those dealing with safety.
Who Should Vet
When it comes to vetting, there is no one side that should be doing this. Since you and the other person (or people) will be interacting and participating in the relationship, it is important for all parties to have their vetting process included. So who should vet? You, them...Doms and Dommes...subs, slaves, Masters... EVERYONE. Vetting is not a tool for only one person in the dynamic. It is not for only Dominant. Anyone who plans on engaging in this lifestyle with another person should do some type of vetting. If you are told that you do not need to vet by a person you are interested in, that is a "red flag" in this lifestyle. A "red flag" is a signal that something may not be right. When you are alerted to certain things such as not wanting to be vetted, you need to pay attention and look into that to determine if there is more to it.
How Do You Vet
Vetting is not as hard as you may think. Have you ever been on a job interview or given an interview? Have you ever been on a date? Have you ever needed to find a person who might be right for a job you need done for you or someone else? Have you ever needed to find out about a person before they interacted with a family minor member for a sleepover? If you have answered yes to any of these things you have done it before!
Vanilla relationships also vet, but in a more informal way most times. There may be simple things such as the getting to know you stuff, but in BDSM there will be more interaction on a different level. You of course want to "get to know them," but you also need to get to know their expectations within the BDSM lifestyle which is a little more in-depth.
Think about all of the things that are important to you in the relationship you are trying to establish. Are there certain things you know you would not like to engage in? Are there things you know are "deal breakers"? Start with the simple things first. For example, I am not a smoker so the person I want to be my partner in BDSM should not be a smoker either. Eventually this would get in the way of our growth due to the fact the cigarette smoke gives me headaches.
Once you have the questions answered about basic compatibility, you can move on to more elaborate topics.
What To Ask
Some things you may want to know:
Their stance on consent.
How they feel about safe words.
How they deal with stressful situations.
Hard limits and soft limits. (Hard limits are things a person ABSOLUTELY won't engage in. Soft limits are things you may not readily do, but are okay with trying or participating in here and there.)
You want to know their outlook on the things that keep you safe.
How much you ask and what you ask will also depend on what type of relationship/dynamic you are establishing:
Do they want unquestionable obedience?
What do they consider punishment?
What is their stance on rewards?
What is their life schedule like?
What are their expectations of YOUR time?
Are they monogamous/ployamorous?
Remember you will all be in this together. If the person you are considering being in a dynamic with has an issue with you asking questions, well maybe that isn't the person you want to put your trust in so deeply.
Are They Okay?
How do you know if the person is now okay? Well honestly you only know someone as much as they tell you. Whatever answers they provide, you will have to go by what they have said. Why bother to vet then? At least you have a starting point. You have both outlined what you are looking for. You can then decide if the persons ideal and interests line up with yours
To Wrap Up
Vetting in BDSM might seem like a huge task, but it is important when find out if someone is some who you would like to start your journey with. Vetting is for ANYONE is BDSM in ANY role. You should think about the things that are important to you in a relation in general and then move on to more specific questions geared towards the dynamic you would like. Once that is done, you will have a better idea of the other person's ideal and expectations as well. Vetting will hopefully help get you through "discovering" things you would have already have known if you had asked in the beginning. So don't be afraid to vet when you meet someone you are interested in!
Jubilee Johns (She/Her/Hers)
Creator of Middles Online Clubhouse
Jubilee has been writing her own creative works for more than 30 years. She has been in the BDMS lifestyle since 2017 and has loved every moment of it with her Daddy Dom Naughty Daddie
WordPress: Naughty's kitten Thoughts
Twitter: @JubileeJohns
Facebook: Jub Johns
Instagram: @Jubilee_Johns
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